It’s no secret that tabloids love an incredibly blatant headline. In the US, the reigning champion is likely the one New York Postwho is happy Stories like “HEADLESS BODY FOUND IN TOELESS BAR”. Over in the UK, the iguanas-mad maniacs are in Sun used to produce bullshit stories about local celebrities like the notorious “FREDDIE STARR ATE MY HAMSTER!” These headlines are clearly terrible, but they have a sense of humor. You could see why people were intrigued. But there is one newspaper that is notorious for easily producing the worst headlines ever, to the point that simply reading a newspaper is the medical equivalent of being hit by a small train. We are, of course, talking about Lucifer̵
Trenton, New Jersey itself is a perfectly normal city. It was founded around a sloppily built Flour mill in 1679 and the earliest historical record mostly just complain about how boring it was. His main moment in the spotlight was in 1776 when some Hessian soldiers encamped in the city and were instantly so overwhelmed with malaise that they failed to build fortifications or post scouts, which allowed George Washington to easily ambush them. The city was later rewarded, or possibly punished, by being named the capital of New Jersey, and it has relied on a bribe-based economy ever since.
Now we’re not going to whitewash it. Trenton always had his problems. The mayor’s office is permanently moored in international waters, and there are surprisingly many severed limbs in the city’s many dumpsters. There’s not a single week that a senator doesn’t storm out of a strip club toilet yelling, “The Feds are on their way, I have to spend $ 300,000 in 20 minutes!” But that’s no worse than any other city in Jersey. It certainly didn’t deserve what was to come.
True darkness arrived in 1989when the local newspaper that Trentonianwas bought by a fairly nondescript company called Advance Publications. Her new editor rolled into town, and behind him thunder boomed, “Smokestack Lightnin ‘” on the radio, and a red right hand shoved Satan’s pants tightly into his pants. Shortly afterwards, a serial killer left a woman’s severed head on a local golf course. It was clearly a story that required a great deal of sensitivity. The TrentonianFront page the story ran under “HEAD HAD AIDS!”
The story went on to claim that the victim “may have avenged her own death if her blood splattered the killer”, which is an incredible misunderstanding of AIDS and revenge. Even at the height of the AIDS panic in the late 1980s, the story was considered so incredibly blatant that it garnered national press attention. But most people assumed it was just an unfortunate misstep by a cheeky tabloid. Little did they notice that the Trentonian devoted himself to recreating the effects of the Necronomicon in the form of headings.