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The inspiring story of America’s first stupid trashy millionaire

The country’s first McMansion

Dexter grabbed the Colonial Truck with all of its shit from the Charlestown crib and peeled off with his middle finger held high, and whatever late 18th-century rap rock version he’d no doubt shot into town to go out to sea.

On the coast in Newburyport, MA, Dexter thought he was going to build his grand ode to himself. Perhaps he laid the foundation for one of the most important features of our country, the absolute fact that money can’t buy flavor, and built an absolutely hideous piece of shit off the coast. For example, how winning Powerball doesn’t instantly erase your unwavering belief that a sassy Tweety Bird-framed print belongs in the dining room of your new 20-room mansion. If he accidentally got rich stupidly, he couldn̵

7;t put 40 wooden statues on the property with his idea of ​​the greatest Americans. The last, of course, is a statue of the great Timothy Dexter.

It is even better than commissioning a work of art from you to cite it completely unjustified, like the one under Dexter’s wooden bust: “I am the first in the East, the first in the West and the greatest philosopher in the western world.” This is not far from the great work of art created on the Zuckerberg property, a figure in his picture sculpted from 300 pound old Hellmanns with the following quote: “I am Mark Zuckerberg. I swear I am one Human. Me, I’m not a robot. Trust me folks, I’m such a human. I’m a human. Not a robot. All human. “

John H. Bufford
Every city has this one house … with the yard … statues of famous American figures throughout history.

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