Sir Isaac Newton’s coat of arms was a pirate flag, and now we need to disassemble that. I know, I know, writing another cracked article about how Isaac Newton was a world class madman is like writing a cracked article about how Joel Schumacher went back in time to have a threesome with Tesla and one To have fart joke. But what should we do? The father of modern science traveled around with a symbol that looked like it was on its way to raid Tortuga. We can’t talk about that. So whatever, here it is:
For any crest nerd reading this, the correct description for Sir Newton’s medieval equivalent of retiring your number is as follows: A field (background) of sable (black) with two shin bones in Saltire (crossed) argent (off) and white ), the Dexter (right) towered over (above) the sinister (everything about this coat is sinister). And while you don’t expect the coat of arms of a noble knight of science to be the same as the one that screwed the Caribbean merchant captains themselves, this is Isaac Newton again. The only shocking aspect of its evil crest is that it is not an argent alchemist with a Sewing needle in his skillful eye on a field of vert Vomiting toad.
Not that he chose it. As the son of a farmer, Newton had no family heraldry to rely on. But after some desperate Ancestry.com searches, he found that he shared DNA with a number of Baronet Newton their coat of arms loved to celebrate their longstanding legacy of genocide during crusades. But Newton, a man obsessed with status, still loved peppering his possessions with this adopted crest, just as Blackbeard loved peppering his beard with gunpowder. He embedded it in the stone from his estate and snuck it into his grandiose portraits. He even emblazoned it on the sides of his carand terrified the Bejeezus of foreign gentlemen who did not notice that the coach was passing by with the pirate flag, as if he had just seen that a Spanish treasure coach actually belonged to a gentleman who had once lost a fight to an apple.