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Jeanne d’Arc’s trusted bodyguard turned out to be a pedophile serial killer

In wartime, you cannot always choose your bedfellows. Capitalists and communists, Crusaders and Mongols, Antifa and K-Pop stans … Sometimes you have to team up with your enemy’s enemy to defeat the greater evil. Which makes it uncomfortable when this enemy of your evil enemy turns out to be a child killer who ritually sacrifices demons.

Jeanne d’Arc, one of the purest heroines produced outside of an Afghan poppy field, did not change the Hundred Years War alone. A Wonder Woman-like team of elite soldiers fought alongside her. One of her brothers in arms (say the creepy Scottish) was Gilles de Rais, a great fighter with a really troubled past and a really bad mullet

English kill in front, party behind.

At the young age of 25, de Rais was made protector of Joan of Arc and at the same time made the highest military rank in the nation: Marshal of France. But his career, like his church, was short-lived. After the death of Joan of Arc, de Rais retired to the lavish estate of his dead parents. There, the mighty Breton nobleman almost went bankrupt because of renovations, servants and crappy plays that he had written himself. He also spent a lot of money piously building a private chapel called the Chapel of the Holy Innocents, which he filled to the brim with choirboys. And what could go wrong when an inviolable megalomaniac develops an interest in choirboys?

For years, Gilles de Rais was a horror story whispered by the local peasantry. His servants (imagine they were hunched over and pale) would search the landscape for handsome boys whose heads de Rais wanted to admire – preferably after loosening them from their bodies. Boys and girls dressed in a pinch and given a large meal just so de Rais could see the look on their faces as they realized the dessert would be rape, torture, and ultimately death.

Within a few years, de Rais may have murdered over a hundred children. Some he burned, others he dumped in trenches. Occasionally, the suddenly thrifty serial pedophile would hire a corrupt priest to sacrifice corpses to a demon named Barron in order to reverse his financial misfortune. But after several expensive attempts to conjure up this demonic accountant, de Rais gave up and returned to regular sodomy and murder.

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