Here is a huge stone.
Tomwhite56 / Wikimedia Commons
It’s called giant rock because life in the desert requires many things, but wild flights of poetic imagination are not one of them. It is not a very special stone. There is nothing particularly interesting about this. There is certainly nothing noteworthy nearby except for the time machine. It’s not even that giant in the big scheme of things. It̵
The modern history of the giant rock begins in the 1930s when a German named Frank Critzer stumbled upon it, conveniently located in a part of the Mojave Desert that is so remote that the scorpions need two buses and a taxi to get you there to murder. The local vultures all died of hunger, and then the vultures that came to eat them died of boredom. If you wanted to have a quick chat with a neighbor, you had to shoot yourself in the head and hope that Satan felt talkative. It wasn’t exactly a happening scene, we say. Of course Frank Critzer decided to live there.
About Hi-Desert Star
And we don’t think he decided to live nearby or anything. He literally dug himself under giant rock and lived there for the next ten years like a man-size Gila monster or a man-size Gila man, just not nearly as sexy as it sounds. Well, Critzer had absolutely no permission to do so – the stone was on government land – but luckily, the official responsible for checking random chunks of desert for moles was sick this decade. In addition, Critzer was said to be very fond of waving a shotgun to distant neighbors sniffing around. Since old shotgun crazies are a vital part of the desert ecosystem, nobody asked too many questions.
To be fair, Critzer turned out to be a little better at housing than the average Mojave maniac. With only dynamite, pickaxes, and madness, he managed to dig up a large cave under the rock, which he transformed into a cozy 400-square-meter house that has been reported to remain cool all year round despite the harsh desert climate. He single-handedly built a road to the rock, then installed a working runway and flattened the desert by dragging some old iron scraps behind his old jalopy. All in all, it actually sounds like a pretty cute setup, though we want to emphasize that “I live in an illegal construction on government property” is still an absolute deal breaker for Tinder.